April 2006

Kid Debuts Moxie, Foxy Stuff

SCOTTSDALE - The Kid made his young life's mound debut yesterday, on a drizzly Arizona afternoon, mopping up the final inning of a lopsided elementary league tilt.

After peppering the backstop with several warmup heaves, he walked the leadoff man on four straight, all well outside.

The second hitter eyed five tosses to earn his base, on balls.

Up next was a diminutive batsman in an exaggerated crouch. The Kid bore down to deliver an ankle high strike, inducing a nubber by the plate. His catcher corraled the ball - and fired into right field for a three base, two run error. 

Undaunted, the moundsman, poised beyond his eleven years, discovered a welcome economy, tossing strike after strike. He fielded a grounder back to the box for the first out, after looking back the runner on third. Alternating his signature slowball with an even pokier variant, he froze the next hitter, looking. Strike three!

A trio of metallic waves, shattering only raindrops, concluded the game - like the harmless tinkle of cooking grease on aluminum foil.

The line on The Kid:

1 IP  0 H  2BB  2K  2R  ...in 12 minutes

Boypitchingbronze-- Both runs were, as The Kid's relatives across the United States have been dutifully informed, unearned.

In an exclusive post game interview with Diamondhacks, The Kid  said "it was fun out there" and explained his quick-pitch delivery this way:

"We didnt use signs and I didn't want to show off by breathing and walking around a lot."

Talkin' Baaaarry, Miggy and the Dupe

You've been called a Bonds 'apologist' on more than one occasion, here on MLBlogs.

First, are you a Bonds apologist? Yikes! I dont think so. A lot of his behavior, in and out of baseball, is pretty inexcusable.

So why do you defend him? I feel like I'm defending principles more than I'm really defending him. I certainly dont want to excuse, let alone encourage, his behavior.   

BondsyoungDid Barry Bonds use steroids?  Sure. Of course.

... as did hundreds of other MLBers , beginning in the 1980's. Barry started in late 1998.

DId he lie to a grand jury and is that a big deal?  Probably, and yes it's legally significant. But it's also worth remembering that hundreds of likley PED users were never brought before a grand jury to testify. Again, the alleged perjury shouldn't be excused. But neither should steroid usage of his peers be swept under the rug.

Gonzosteroids_1 Why is that, exactly? Why so few investigations? I dont know. Maybe the commissioner's office will shed some light on that. The office specifically created(1920) in response to the Black Sox scandal , to exclusively "ensure the integrity of the game".  As it is, the press and the FBI have conducted the important investigations to date - not Major League Baseball. It's possible some players have been investigated that I'm unaware of - but why half a dozen guys are on the hot seat now and hundreds more are not, or were not, is worth an investigation in itself.

Was it race that primarily drove Bonds to be investigated?  No. Bonds' actions, accomplishments and appearances are plenty 'loud' enough to draw investigative scrutiny. And by appearances, I'm referring to the physique, the big head and such...not race.

Is race what drives the public's loathing of Bonds?  A more complex question, but no, I dont see race as the primary driver. OTOH, race is consistently a subtle ingredient in the way human beings perceive and judge one another. I'm convinced it adds fuel to the existing animosity out there. Barry's a lightning rod for fans' wrath for many reasons:

BondsgiantssmileA) His singular, ongoing career accomplishment - most likley aided by PEDs - deeply injects that cancer into both the hallowed lore of the game and fierce debates regarding the greatest players. McGwire was similar in this regard, but his inactivity - and Sosa's - mitigate public outrage somewhat. Other, still active, predecessors altered the playing field with PEDs well before Bonds. But none in such a forceful, historically compelling way. Bonds didnt necessarily cheat more than many others - but by accomplishing more, he receives more scrutiny.

TedwilliamsyoungB) His insufferable personality and arrogant off-field behavior  contribute significantly to the public's loathing for Bonds.

C) His race further segregates Bonds from baseball's increasingly non-black fan base.

Whitefans

Yeah, but just because he's black doesnt mean people hate him for that. I didn't say that! For ages, clinical studies have confirmed that people, often quite innocently BTW, subjectively ascribe greater virtue to others who look similar to themselves, and ascribe less virtue to others who look altogether different. So, even if you remove malicious racism for argument's sake, there's still subtle implications to this kind of 'effective' segregation.

As opposed to legal segregation?

Right. Maybe segregation isn't the best word. But go to Chase Park sometime. Most nights, it seems there's almost as many black vendors as fans.

Is this stuff too subtle, too 'innocent' to be considered racism? Perhaps, perhaps not. At any rate, I dont think what I've touched on here is particularly conscious.

Some commenters think it's too subtle to even be worth mixing into the Bonds discussion at all?   It was already, inevitably, in the mix. Some argue that "race is not a factor" because Bonds is a jerk, or rich, or because he didnt suffer as much as Hank Aaron or Jackie Robinson. I'm fine with the argument that race isn't paramount here. What I object to are blithe, "color-blind" assertions that race is not a factor at all. 

So it's not comparable to what Jackie Robinson or Hank Aaron endured? Bonds hinted that he gets racist hate mail every day. I wouldn't be surprised if he does - nor would I be shocked if he was exaggerating. I do know that baseball's employed extra security in response to alleged threats on Barry's life. Is the overall climate as racially contentious as in 1947? Overall? No. Definitely not overall. Just saying so insults Robinson's memory. OTOH, what's more racist than a death threat?

I feel similarly about Aaron. Beyond the hate letters, Aaron's place in history was debated unusually harshly at the time. Many ratings of the era placed him outside the Top Ten All Time Players. Now, you rarely see him below 5 or 6. Some of that discrepancy probably stemmed from racism.

Should Barry Bonds be banned from baseball?

If it's proven, through drug tests or compelling circumstantial evidence, that Bonds violated existing baseball law warranting suspension/banishment( a la Pete Rose), then definitely, Yes.

I dont think he should be banned from baseball however, for illegally using performance enhancers that baseball didn't even bother to practically ban from it's own game, and therefore effectively condoned. Ring him up on federal drug charges and/or perjury, but don't pretend he singularly dishonored or jeopardized the pristine fabric of baseball by breaking cardinal codes of the game that didn't exist - or at least weren't enforced in a meaningful way.

Landis

More important than whether he's banned or not, is that users and non-users are identified, separated, and treated equitably within each group.

Sadly, baseball's no longer in a position to come close to accomplishing that. They've squandered several opportunities to do so in favor of protecting short term financial interests.

Instead, a lineup of low hanging, "rotten" fruit who tainted the game will likely be publicly assembled for judgement. After this largely symbolic purge, one can almost hear Bud Selig solemnly encouraging fans to "move on" from this dark painful time, towards a new and brighter beginning, in, as he still says with a straight face, the best interests of baseball.

Put Up Or Tease

PHOENIX - As some characterize the demotion of Russ Ortiz to the bullpen as a "no-brainer", the move is also a refreshingly positive statement by Bob Melvin, in what has otherwise been a dismal managerial tenure.

Based on BOMELs past performance, even this stands out as quite a bold move. While nobody, except perhaps Ortiz, can passionately defend him retaining a starting position, it's also true that there's no obvious solution waiting to replace his rotation spot. And the RHP veteran does command more than 1/8th of the entire team payroll. That certainly had to have crossed Melvin's mind, even though salary wouldn't likely be acknowledged by the club as a factor in this type of personnel move.    Russortizmouth                     

Some are speculating on the longer term effect this will have on Ortiz. Will he recapture his past level of performance, or fade away quietly? I cant see into Russ's future, but when I do see Ortiz in the dugout, on off days, he is invariably smiling, laughing and chatting away with the likes of Brandon Webb and others. Was it a bit too much smiling, laughing and chatting, in Bob Melvin's eyes, for someone whose pitching has tailed so far south? 

A more interesting question is: What effect will this move have on the team

What effect, if any, will it have on well paid veteran starters like Orlando Hernandez and Miguel Batista? My impression of both is that they're largely self-motivated, competitive men. To the extent that's true, Ortiz' demotion probably wont have much impact on them, even thought their skillsets and age most closely resemble Ortiz'.

What about an overpaid, tenured journeyman like Shawn Green, who has methodically "played through" more slumps than any fan ought to have to witness, and whose energy level in the field and the basepaths has been often maligned? Might he think "Me Next", if his performance further deteriorates?

What about all the young kids fighting for playing time on a team consisting of players with similar talents?

Melvin's move is a move away from staid, conventional "stay the course" wisdom and towards a thriving meritocracy that manages risk instead of avoiding it; where players begin to believe that their actual day to day contributions will be fairly balanced against, and possibly even trump, a teammate's bigger "reputation".   

Bobmelvinyelling

For anyone who roots for the Diamondbacks, this is an overdue, and even exciting, change.

They won again today, 3-2.

With 500 Doubles / 300 HRs You Get Eggroll

Chinesemenu1_1

Two years removed from the departure of Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, the Diamondhacks PR squad has resorted to desperately showcasing the exploits of their fading marquee player, Luis Gonzalez, to the hilt. This was evident at tonight's pregame ceremony, contrived to honor Gonzo's admittance into a brand new, allegedly elite, statistical 'club'.

The Diamondhacks recognize that since Gonzalez will never reach any traditionally revered career milestones, like 3000 hits or 500 homers, it behooved them to package his career statistical acheivements in such a way as to place Luis in the apparent company of a select group of first-rung Hall of Famers.

Now, 500 doubles is impressive - only 44 players in history have that many. A few years back when Mark Grace collected his 500th double, there was a fitting scoreboard recognition and a nice, prolonged ovation. I'm all for that.

Naturalfireworks_1 

But tonight, as the melodramatic theme from The Natural  screeched through the tinny sound system, the Chase Ho Park PA announcer intoned the names of the 500 Doubles/300 Homers 'fraternity': Ruth, Gehrig, Mays, Aaron and so on. All but Parker, Dawson, E Martinez and Palmiero are in the HOF and it's unlikely that any of the twenty 'members' knew such a club even existed before tonight. Luis received a cool keepsake commemorating his historic 'brethren'. His entire family was announced and trudged out onto the field. All the Diamondbacks lined up near home plate and individually - and I must say, enthusiastically -congratulated him. The mostly undiscerning crowd (they are paying to watch the Diamondhacks, after all) seemed thoroughly caught up in this ponderously orchestrated Hall of Fame-ish moment.

Halloffame_1 

Pardon me, but I think that extra egg roll may be backing up on me a bit.

First, Gonzo isn't in the same league as most of the guys on this list in any meaningful, statistically comprehensive way. The only thing he genuinely has in common with most of them is that he hit 500 doubles. He's behind the HOFers in most other offensive and defensive categories, usually way behind.

Second, there's a list a mile long of superior players who didnt quite make this recently contrived list: Ricky Henderson, with 297 HRs and Al Kaline with 498 2Bs, both just missed The Club. From Speaker and Wagner to Rose and Gwynn, from Foxx and Reggie to Clemente and Joe Morgan, the 500/300 club excludes many, if not most, of the game's greatest players.

Third, there are clearly lesser players who almost hit this supposedly remarkable quinella. Paul ONeil(451/281), Gary Gaetti(443/360), Harold Baines(488/384), Tim Wallach(432/260) and Chili Davis (424/350) are just a few.

The 500/300 'combo club' - and tonight's ceremony - are the inventions of Diamondbacks' public relations hacks, intent on pumping up Gonzo's career into something it's not. These particular cutoffs, tailored specifically for Gonzalez' benefit, are insufficient, misguided thresholds upon which to seriously assess HOF worthiness or even baseball greatness.

  Twochinesecontainers

LIVE GAME BLOG: POSTMORTEM

Blogging a live MLB game in real time was considerably more challenging than I had assumed.

It was also pretty fun.

My inspiration was furnished by a recent "dueling" live game blog between Red Sox Chick and Rays From Across the Pond . After skimming their logs, I set out to record a pithier, livelier game account (whether I suceeded or not in other's eyes, Diamondhacks stands before the MLBlogosphere today a humbled 'Hack with newfound respect for my predecessor's efforts.)

The game John(1500 words) and Cyn(3000+ words) covered was about 3hr 15 min. I wrote 2000 words during a 2hr 29min game, which left me quite fatigued. I dont know how Red Sox Chick did it.

Steroids, maybe.

My biggest surprise was how quickly the game speeds along when blogging, as opposed to just watching on TV. My particular contest was objectively fast (less than two hours in the eighth inning), but I was still amazed at how pressed for time I was to make updates in a sport often derided for it's lackluster pace. Not just individual pitches, but even the outs at times seemed to blur into one other before a single update could be published. Only when the game decelerated in the ninth inning (due to pitching changes) was I better able to keep up with, and capture, the rhythm of the game.

When you live blog solo, so much more than typing is required. One must watch and analyze the game, compose thoughts and then type/save your posts. Sounds simple, but I found myself unable to observe the game details as intently as I normally do. I was often typing away on the keyboard, listening to the TV play by play, and stealing only occasional glances at the tube.

Those glorious half inning "breaks" that Western civilization uses to visit the bathroom or the kitchen, I needed to catchup on my last update and prepare for the next inning. The breaks are, what, 3 minutes? When you're blogging, they feel like 45 seconds. 

It took 15-20 seconds for each saved post to properly publish. That may not sound long, but 40 updates x 15s = 10 mins that I could have used more productively elsewhere. It drove me Battey.

Earlbattey

I am a slave to play by play. I was committed to going heavy on commentary and light on play by play but once the game started I chickened out. It felt like I somehow wasnt doing my job if every out wasnt recorded. Much of the commentary that was in my account was actually prewritten - player notes, the introduction, a few jokes. But most of my prewritten jewels didnt even get into the final blog - I either didnt have time to cut and paste them in, or they werent applicable to the game at hand (ie notes on Conor Jackson, who didnt play).

I tried to give my account an interactive feel by incorporating - and responding to - viewer comments which I pasted into the Main Post. I also utilized my site's counter tool, to ascertain and share the hometowns of my viewers' IP addresses- to encourage a sense of community and potential comments.

Lessons Learned:

  • Pre-save an introduction, player notes and maybe a couple pictures to save time.
  • Consider using an assistant, if possible, to keep up with the game's rhythm. One person to intently watch the game and dictate commentary - the other person actually types and publishes the updates.
  • Advertise your live blog to drum up interest. It's clearly more fun when several others are online with you; moreso if they comment in real time. 

  Please feel free to add to the postmortem in the Comments section, either game blogging generally or my particular version of it. Thanks.

Chan Ho Park @ Pet 'Ko' Park Makes History

Chanhopark Be sure to return right here to Diamondhacks Monday evening, April 24 when we "LIVE BLOG" the long-awaited start of Chan Ho Park @ Pet "Ko" Park.

      

  • Here's a link to the completed weblog  4/24 LIVE BLOG: DHACKS 4 PADRES 1
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    Never before in Diamondbacks history has an opposing starting pitcher shared a last name with the ballpark in which he performed - while simultaneously rhyming middle names with the same venue.

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    This tussle decided, at least for one day, last place in the NL West.

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    Padreslogo_1 

    Diamondbacksgarbage_gif

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    Chase Ugly

    Morgue_1Diamondhacks salutes Charlie Warlie of Glendale AZ, who penned this brief Letter To the Editor in today's Arizona Republic

    Due to the falling attendance at Chase Field and the fact that Chase Bank is owned by JPMorgan Chase and Co.,the facility should have really been named the Morg!

    LOL, Charlie!

    Shawn Green's *******

                                                       44,294 !!!

    Last night, the Diamondbacks shattered their 2006 single game attendance mark, set back on Opening Day.

    Unfortunately, they were in Dodger Stadium at the time - where there may have been more beach balls than actual Diamondbacks fans.

    Returning to the city that knows him best, Shawn Green was - as is now customary - relentlessly hooted. Beachballhooters_1

    The "quality start" from Orlando Hernandez was hardly that, considering the venue and HP umpire Angel Hernandez' notoriously expansive strike zone. Are those guys hermanos, or what?

    Yielding 3 runs in 6 IP isnt unacceptably flammable, but it's fiery enough to lose lots of night games in LA. "Reliever" Greg Aquino poured kerosene on El Duque's embers. At least he and Chris Snyder intelligently relied on the remnants of Aquino's fastball sparingly, as the Dodgers hammered most of them. Aquino looked exhausted, perhaps from his seven innings of work this year.   

    Personally, I prefer liberal strike zones - maybe not quite as large as Hernandez' - but large enough where a pitcher can work an inch off one side of the plate or get a strike around the ribcage. Did anyone catch Thursday's SF/AZ "slugfest" enabled by HP umpire Rob Drake? Yeah, the game with 16 runs and 15 walks. Drake's strike zone was the size of a dog dish.

    If you haven't found it yet, today's game account in The Arizona Republic is relegated to page 10 of the sports section, behind not just Phoenix Suns' pieces, but all the other ball scores, hockey and even an NFL piece.

    Even the obligatory ******* ad is on page 9.

    Royal Treatment?

    This unusual story from the Kansas City Star, about Zack Greinke's comeback from an unnamed mental illness, had us initially reaching for a tissue, however we became confused upon a second and third reading and welcome alternate perspectives on Greinke's "condition".

    Making fun of people is a staple at DiamondHacks, but we have no taste for trivializing, let alone mocking, genuine mental illness.   Greinke's clearly troubled and anxious, and doesnt feel comfortable in social settings. Here's the example the 22 year old volunteered to illustrate that his emotional problems were "long-standing". (Italics are mine).

    Growing up, there were signs. As about an 8-year-old tennis player, with a 50-0 record, he finally got beat. It was the only tournament match he lost, and he said it’s the last one he played.

    “I lost on purpose,” he says. “I had problems; I’d get real nervous before the games. The last time, I got so nervous and I was like, ‘Dad, I can’t play anymore.’ I was going crazy thinking I was gonna lose. I got so nervous I ended up hitting every ball straight into the net. The second set, I was loose and I beat the guy like 6-2. I ended up quitting in the last one. I hit them into the net again.”

    Is it fair to speculate generally about the parent(s) of any eight year old with a 50-0 tennis record? Or about any relatively normal child's reaction to such "coaching"? Losing a set..winning a set..losing another set. I'm just asking, does this boy's behavior indicate irrational mental illness, or is it an understandable emotional response to his circumstances?

    Or this:

    “I really like when the sun is setting,” he says. “I was here in Arizona, and it was one of the prettiest days out and the sun was setting, and I was like, ‘I don’t care; I don’t even want to look at it right now. It doesn’t do anything for me.’ That was one moment where I was like: What’s wrong with me?”

    Sunsetdesert

    Mopey. Depressed. What's so unusual about not appreciating the splendor of a gorgeous sunset from time to time? Not much, I'd say - yet this seemingly humdrum ennui leads to the rather dramatic self criticism, "What's wrong with me?"

    My layman's take is that Zack is a reasonably normal, if somewhat introspective, guy who has internalized massive expectations placed upon him by others his whole life. It sounds as if, with the help of a sports psychologist, he's making strides to remedy that.   

    Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like someone else in that family maybe oughta visit a pyschologist's office and that the farther Greinke get's away from his/her influence, he'll be just fine.

    Read the whole thing here

    Also, zackgreinke.com

    New Ribbon Board Costly, Incredibly Thin

    The DiamondHacks, like most everyone else, have installed an expensive digital "ribbon" ad board which wraps around the second deck at  Chase Ho Park. It is so long that it easily accomodated thirteen identical advertisements for Sexton Pest Control simultaneously, with room for a fourteenth Sexton Pest Control ad when absolutely necessary.

    Another application that we were subjected to at a recent game were the board's partial, I guess you call 'em 'portraits', of staff ace, Brandon Webb.

    In the first inning, the 6' 2" Webb looked something like this:

    Webbie2_1   

    In the third inning, the tiny crowd was treated to this image of the affable Kentucky native:

    Webbie_3_2

    DiamondHacks heartily applauds this overdue splash of cubism at the ballpark, a venue otherwise devoid of much artistry.

    Would You Like A Hot Dog With That?

    Verysmallbeer In a move likely to increase drinking at the ballpark, the Diamondhacks are now shilling a $4 beer in a really, really small cup. The new price point is expected to entice many fans, who normally eschew exorbitant ballpark brew, to start drinking at games. And customary drinkers will have one more reason to increase consumption.

    Expect the already heavily patronized beer kiosks at Chase Ho Park to runneth over. If the snaky lines get too long, the DiamondHacks may be forced to raise the ante on their puny pilsners - even crack scientists would be hard pressed to devise a smaller cup. Other suggestions to keep the growing lines moving swiftly: Encourage each customer to purchase multiple cuplets per transaction, and revisit the whole "checking ID" thing.

    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

    In unrelated news, the club will continue to offer it's gourmet hot dog for eight dollars and seventy five cents. (Pictured fries and drink are a serving suggestion only and are sold separately)

    Bigdawg_1 

    Two 'Show Low' Fans Take 'Shots' At Bonds

    Barry Bonds is scheduled to play tonight in Phoenix, where plenty of seats are still available - for a price. It's an open question whether anyone will show up on  a Monday here to "take a shot" at the Ted Williams of his generation, as did this gluteally expressive Angelino.   

    Bondsass_1

    Photo courtesy of The Sports Frog

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    POSTGAME UPDATE 10:20PM

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    Bonds' first valley appearance drew just 21,610 fans, including 23 year old doofus Mark Greggersen of Show Low AZ, who was charged with disorderly conduct after throwing a tube of toothpaste at Bonds from the left field bleachers. A grinning Greggersen, who also sported a homemade "syringe necklace", explained after his dismissal that he wanted to make it clear that "he (Bonds) was not welcome at this ballpark".

    As evidenced by eight years of relentless booing and mock chants of "Baarrryy, Baaarrryyy" , Bonds has never been welcome at Chase Ho Park. Moreover, anyone who blindsides an athlete with toiletries of any kind is not welcome in polite society, let alone at a ballyard. Kid, take your silly grin and white undershirt and go back to Show Low to do whatever you folks do up in the woods. When, or if, you are ever interested in becoming at all funny, take a cue from the LA comedian, seen above, executing his own wickedly harmless brand of "Show Low".

    STEP FORWARD, BASEMAN!!!

    The DiamondHacks PA man is a caricature of everything wrong with a baseball stadium announcer. Full of faux energy and self-import, he sounds uncannily like this infamous Jayhawk:

    Wizardface3

    STEP FORRWARDDD, OHHHH DDDAAWWWWGGGG!!!! YOU CLATTERING PILE OF CHATTERING JUNK!!!   

    Just use your real voice, dude. It's a baseball game, not a WWF smackdown.

    At Chase, One "Favor" Doesnt Deserve Another

                                                    18,745 last night

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    2 PM Friday --- Out of the goodness of our hearts, and in the best interests of baseball, the DiamondHacks editorial board has, against our better judgement, actually purchased three tickets to tonight's show featuring the Houston Astros and the Arizona Diamondbacks @ Chase Ho Park.

    Paperbagman

    On a Friday!

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    POSTGAME UPDATE: Friday April 14 10:15PM

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    Just got back from the game and, boy, are we sorry we went. My wife, son and I endured the dumbest ballpark employee we've ever met in nearly a decade's worth of games(about 300 overall) at Chase Ho Park.

    In summary, we sat in a different section from the one where our purchased tickets were located and were asked to leave the section by the usher. On the face of it, it sounds like perfectly reasonable enforcement of a basic ballpark policy, but humor me a minute as I fill in some relevant context. 

    1.  We sat in and around our purchased bleacher seats(Section 105) for about 3-4 innings and then slid over to adjacent section 106 to get more elbow room. My wife specifically scoped out seats about 10 rows behind the visitor's bullpen, away from 106's few paying fans, so as not to crowd any of them, physically or psychologically.

    2. There were twenty or 25 other fans sitting in the entire 106 section, which I estimate has about 300-400 seats. We sat there for 4-5 innings, leaving and returning to "our" seats several times without incident.

    3. During our stay in "106", we took note of an usher who marched all the way down her aisle seven or eight times to accost a variety of fans - mostly young, well-mannered  kids - for standing next to the bullpen to get a closeup look at the pitchers. I want to emphasize that the kids, aged 6 to 8 or so, were the antithesis of the aggressive, streetwise urchins we've all seen loitering around ballparks. They were quietly watching the Astro relievers warm up. They were not throwing anything, tangible or verbal, or doing anything remotely disruptive, like blocking any fans' view of the game,and seemed surprised and chastened each time they sheepishly returned to their parents' seats.

    4. Eighth inning, after loads of the 24,512 initial patrons had already headed home following a 7th inning DHacks rally, usher marches down the aisle and asks to see our tickets. I'm with my wife and boy, by ourselves, quietly shuckin' peanuts. No alcohol, attitude, language, nuthin'. She tells us we're in the wrong section and we have to move back. The policy speech. I asked what did it matter since the sections are comparably priced and we didnt appear to be bothering anyone, except presumably her. She said it didnt matter - it was the rules. Again, this wasn't second ining in the field boxes. Eighth inning, well behind the bullpen, nobody within 20 feet of us, we've been coming in and out for four innings.

    5. My wife wanted to speak with the usher's super. He explained that the usher was a new hire and that she was just following policy set "up high" and that to change the policy we would have to...I interrupted the gentleman to explain we didnt want to change any "policy". We just wanted to express our displeasure that his employee repeatedly went out of her way to alienate batches of not easily offended paying customers - something that regular readers here know the DiamondHacks have in historically short supply.

    The super seemed like a decent enough guy - after our initial umbrage, we even had him laughing in a few minutes - but I have to add, in retrospect, that while he wasn't confrontational or belligerent, he also didnt apologize or even acknowledge our frustration other than to say she was "new",etc.

    Regular readers of DiamondHacks might assume I'm a troublemaker, and while it's true I've been peripherally involved in a couple minor ballpark incidents spanning several hundred games, this was the first time I've ever had cause to complain about any BOB/CHASE employee, a few of whom have asked me to move locations under more reasonable circumstances. Over the years, Colangelo's ushers at BOB - uniformly polite, common sense older folks - had spoiled us to the point where we forgot how much ill will an oblivious idiot with a plastic ID badge can cause.

    This poor fool's officious sense of urgency amidst a sea of empty seats way out behind the foul pole, like she was defending some terribly important principle was silly, but of course, she's not the real problem. She's poorly trained and after talking with her "boss", my guess is she will continue to be so. 

    At least until the gangbangers fill up her section for the first Dodgers game.

    Heh.

    Those Who Have Vanished

                                                     18,664

    Lowest.  Attendance.   Ever.

    Empty_seats_1 

    Wow. 

    I figured maybe one of those oxymoronic Pacific typhoons, or at least a wicked dust devil, prevented the denizens of the nation's fifth largest city from visiting Chase Ho Park last night - but it turns out the weather was...

    Gorgeous_1 

    ...typical chamber of commerce variety - simply mahvelous!

                                                          *

    So why the record-setting apathy?

    Both teams on the field stunk, but that's hardly news - even 'Hack partner The Arizona Republic is on board that aircraft carrier. In previous years, the always dull Rockies have drawn more here on "Game 2" dates, and this year's locals already look better than any DHacks squad since 2003. Besides, several crummy teams historically draw pretty well.   

    No, this gradual but unmistakable exodus isnt as much about the recent brand of listless, inept play as it is a product of collective, cumulative disenchantment with an inexplicably aggresive schedule of ticket price hikes.

    I dont mind supporting a bad ballclub, especially considering the DiamondHacks impressive, albeit somewhat distant, past and their exciting future. Indeed, the enthusiastic backing of lovable losers has delicious cachet, at least for a while - and is an old baseball tradition. What I do mind is watching a bad team while absorbing a rapid fire barrage of unjustified increases, coyly marketed as "Premium Pricing" and the like.

    Look. Everyone knows the DiamondHacks haven't played a remotely premium game since 2003. It may've taken a couple years for the densest among us to catch on to baseball's complex, tiered, too important by half, pricing structure.

    But we get it now.

    There are no decent everyday values, let alone bargains, left at Jefferson & 7th. (And by no, I mean that waiting for an hour or two under the broiling Arizona sun to score genuinely cheap, sameday seats is not an option for most Caucasians.) Once reasonable upper deck admission, like the Hohokam culture , is now ancient Phoenix history. And the $10 bleacher seat is, of course, long gone.

    Hohokam_1 

    The best remaining value for an increasing number of modern-day working Phoenicians is to simply stay away from the stadium. 

    To vanish, as it were.

    For some, it's only about economic utility - simple choices reflecting their personal values. For others, including thousands of former season ticket holders, it's even more personal. It's about feeling that they've been taken for granted, taken for a fool, taken for a ******, by corporate marketers overcharging for an inferior product of ever-diminishing quality - and then suggesting that perhaps because other fans are being ripped off more than you are that you should be content watching a boring shell of a team from your $34 "value price" seat behind the foul pole.

    Well, $34 plus the $2.50 handling fee and the $2 ticket printing charge - but you get the idea.

    Tools of the Trade

    In the sixth inning of tonight's broadcast on FOXAZ TV, candid and colorful DiamondHacks analyst Mark Grace pronounced that NBA gadfly Stephenasmith1_2  Stephen A Smith "is a tool" , without clarifying which of tool's myriad meanings he had in mind for the blustery hoops hollerer.

    We couldn't say, of course, but quite frankly, Grace's claim seems plausible.

    Grace actually called Smith "a tool" twice, which is twice more than I've heard anyone called "a tool" in several decades of listening to sports broadcasts.

    Mark's not as funny as Jim Traber , who used to harmonize ad-libbed lyrics on air and babble about his most memorable meals, but Gracie's a better analyst ...and he's catching up in the humor department.  A definite two-tool propsect.

    Traber 

    I'll Crash At My Place Tonight... Thanks

    The DiamondHacks' decision to flout tradition by opening at night to boost attendance worked like a charm when just more than ten thousand empty,overpriced seats greeted the hapless 'Hacks in their home opener.

    Picture the attendance if this had been a traditional weekday game. 

    At gametime(6:40pm MST), it appeared that fewer than 25,000 were inside Chase Ho Park. By the fifth inning, the late-arriving crowd swelled considerably to 37,355 officially setting a club record for lowest opening attendance ever.   

    A scheduled pregame flyover was cancelled due to an F-16 crash at Luke AFB earlier that day. The pilot's exact condition is unknown but it's reported that he ejected safely.

    F16_flyover_1

    Times are indeed tough when even the flippin' F-16s dont show up at your opener.   

    Baseball's New Mecca?

    PHOENIX -  At least 100,000 Latino baseball fans peacefully marched through the city streets today, apparently demanding a better explanation for the Alex Cintron trade. 

    Cintron_1 

    Cintron, the wildly popular Puerto Rican utility player,

    Cintronsmile

    who resembles a movie star both on and off the field, was recently swapped for mopup man of puzzling ethnicity, Jeff Bajenaru. 

    "Si se puede! Si se puede!", responded distraught fan, Consuelo Marquez, to a reporter's query whether the massive display of Cintronmania would make any difference. Her chant was quickly picked up, and drowned out, by nearby sympaticos.

    Phil Scott, an aide to Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon, noted it took three hours for the entire throng to file past Chase Ho Park, home of the DiamondHacks, who engineered the controversial transaction. 

    Scott added: "I thought this sort of thing only happened in New York. Anyway, it sure was a bad P.R. move by the DiamondHacks."

                                                           Puertoricobigflag

       

    Say Goodnight Bob

            An actual sampling from this week's Bob Melvin postgame quotes:

       Davebush

    April 7 -- After Dave Bush two hits the Diamondbacks:

    "He's a guy that lulls you to sleep a little bit," Melvin said.

                                           

    Bush...zzzzz

    April 8 - Brewers, behind Doug Davis, beat Dbacks:

    Dougdavis

    "...these guys can lull you to sleep a little bit."

                                

                                  

    Davis...zzzzzzzzz

    April 8- Melvin stayed awake just long enough to warn the media about the uniquely hypnotic qualities of tomorrow's opposing hurler, Chris CapuanoCapuano_1

    "He's got a lot of deception to everything he does," Melvin said. "You don't see a delivery like his. He's compact, yet he jumps at you. His rhythm is a little slower, similar to Doug Davis."

                                ****  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ****

    Could someone give me a wakeup call after Bob Melvin is fired?

    Hurry! Only 33,000 Season Tickets Still Available

    Sporting a new pitching staff attitude AND a new manager first base coach, it's already clear that this season is shaping up to be the DiamondHacks' finest  ninth!! Ignore your better judgement and pPurchase a package(below) today!

    CLICK HERE FOR AVAILABLE SEAT LOCATIONS

    Package
    Level
    Wait Teal Next Year
    Royal Flush
    Golden Fleece
    Seats &
    Location
     
    Upper deck- featuring seats
    100/200 level - featuring EXCLUSIVE entryways, stairwells...even railings!
    Suites - featuring sofa recliners courtesy of Robb & Stucky
    Package
    Price
    $1230-$4000
    $4200-$18,250
    Our people will call your people
    Parking
    $5 to $10 in area lots
    One complimentary parking space in adjacent garage
    May parallel park Hummer in visitors' bullpen
    Service
    BYO or wait in lengthy food lines
    Perky attendant brings order right to your seat.
    Perkier attendant brings wrong order to your seat.

    Security

    Wanded and searched immediately upon entry.

    Waved through security with a friendly smile.

    Help staff identify "suspicious" fans for intrusive Level II search.
    Player
    Interaction
    Player photos available in game program
    Chris Snyder dutifully signs postgame autograph.
    Miguel Batista prunes your oleanders, no questions asked.

    Overheard

    "CRACK!!
    ...it's outta here!"

    "5th inning? I'm outta here...gotta client at the crack of dawn."

    "You're outta rumaki and Pinot Noir!?!?
    Let's get crackin', Tamika!"
     

    Sit with...

    Rich, your friend from work

    a bunch of rich S.O.B.s

    your host, Richard Dozer

    Note: As a valued season ticketholder, you will be billed in full several months before games inevitably occur.

    Hudson Valley

    Rockies4306

    The DiamondHacks got a much needed jump start to another losing season today by kicking away their opener against the hapless Rockies.

    Colorado's winning run mercifully scored in the 11th inning of a futility duel, after a routine grounder skipped by the ostensibly gold glove of

    enthusiastic chatterbox, Orlando Hudson. Orlando

    The ebullient South Carolina native has transitioned seamlessly into Bob Melvin's two-hole, zealously reserved for middle infielders with nice smiles who can't get on base.  More than just Orlando's personality appears infectious, as his 1 for 5 line with two strikeouts @ Coors Field set the proper tone for an entire day of miserable hacking.

    **************************************************************************************************

    Welcome to the Valley of the Sun, Orlando !!    And belated congratulations on that Gold Glove.