Results tagged ‘ Arizona ’

Spring Training Guide

Cactusdick_3 Welcome!  With 20 Cactus League seasons under our belts, Arizona-based Diamondhacks eagerly unzips our straightforward and upward looking Spring Training Guide, for those making a pilgrimage to our succulent destination. We boast much to amaze you, but regardless of your age, budget, team allegiance or state of origin, we enthusiastically offer all travelers one overarching piece of advice.

Stay home.

No matter what you’ve heard, the Cactus League is an overrated, past its prime disappointment, definitely not worth the trip. The traffic, prices, ambiance, weather – it’s all worse than you can imagine, unless you arrived on a standby flight from Chad.

Getting To The Game

Last March, we naively departed Phoenix for a Royals game in Surprise, which, as it turned out, was twelve miles west of Astonishment. One jammed thruway after another, bumper to bumper snarls on Grand Ave, waiting for railcars full of noxious chemicals to endlessly crawl by. We arrived in the third inning (surprise!), Chicagocouple_1just before the Royal hitters.

For reasons local officials are feverishly "looking into", Phoenix streets currently resemble Mexico City, and visiting Ohioans’ antiquated driving habits – like braking – crimp our urban, on the go, lifestyle. Heartlanders also insist on "hopping out" for sausage and Pancakes_2 pancakes every morning, just as The Modern World is rushing to work, so if you notice an extended finger, Mr Cubs fan, understand we’re not directing you to the nearest Bob Evans.

Parking

MLB clubs enlist packs of elderly volunteers to, as far as we can tell, recreate historically accurate parking crises from America’s past. Woodstock, the NOLA busses in Katrina – it’s all here. Securing one’s car in a Cactus League lot, somehow requires more time – involving longer walks to the venues – than at major league games with 30,000 additional fans.  At A’s Muni Stadium, monoxide trapped families are held captive by orange vested sons of bSons of The American Revolution, keen on changing a driver’s politics faster than a twenty dollar bill.

Ticket Prices

Sleepingatgame_1 If you’re not already asleep, close your eyes during the next Cactus League game. Pretend you’re at an MLB game five or six years ago – because that’s how much it’ll cost you just to sit down. Then, open your eyes and imagine, if you can, one morsel of drama or authenticity.

Concessions

The preseason food’s not cheaper than MLB, but there’s less top end selection, so folks assume it’s more reasonable. You’re not apt to run across sushi or $9 foot longs, like in the show, but large sodas and soggy little hamburgers wrapped in wet foil run about $5 each.

The Games

These half hearted "games" pale in excitement next to exhibitions like the All Star Game or a decent card memorabilia show. Stars appear very rarely and regulars with an eye not to expand or contract major muscle groups. Absolutely no one plays to win. It’s considered poor taste.

Weather

People who havent been to Arizona gush about our Sonoran climate, but it’s not nearly as stable or pleasant as advertised.  We were once forced to flee Phoenix Muni, with thousands of frightened fans, as a vicious hailstorm slammed the Monsoon_1valley – and just last year, my son and I left a game in the second inning because any honest dummy could tell it was way too hot to sit in the sun – and we’re from Arizona. Unlike sweltering out of towners, we didnt have to "justify" the suffering – so we just went home. Then again, today was unusually windy and cold.

Summary

Spring training in Arizona combines the costs and hassles of a major league game while delivering a fraction of the utility. The Cactus League’s once genuine sense of discovery and unique, old time charm has systematically devolved into an overpriced corporate blueprint offering little beyond diarrhea and disappointment.

Dbacks Acquire White

At first blush, the winter glare from high profile Diamondbacks’ transactions Adventurephxstyle_1 may have blinded fans to the club’s boldest move of all – the acquisition of White. In addition to reliable Dan Haren, Arizona inked steady Caucasians Chris Burke and Chad Qualls, filling spots vacated by portly, undisciplined Livan Hernandez, wild-eyed Latino man-child Jose Valverde, and disgruntled American black man, Tony Clark.

In December, troublesome Alberto Callaspo was swapped for portly, disciplined Billy Buckner, and Hispanic headcase Carlos Quentin was dumped for athletic, enigmatic Vernon C. Carter, who was appropriately shipped to, where else, Oakland – in consideration for creme de la creme, Dan Haren.

All this, a year after Arizona jettisoned ‘agitator’ Miguel Batista (16-11 193IP $6M) and uncoachable Claudio Vargas (11-6 134 IP $2.5M), in favor of crafty Doug Davis (13-12 192IP $5.5M) and determined, extremely hard working Randy Johnson (4-3 57IP $9.1M).

Fair or not, seventeen pallid players now inhabit Arizona’s 25 man roster, making it nearly as free from pigment as it is from salary.  There are zero Hispanics in the starting lineup, nor a single Asian on the 40-man extended. The rotation – Webb, Haren, Johnson, Davis and WheretimesandsstillOwings – is as white as JT Snow, as is the entire starting infield, save the astonishingly black Orlando Hudson. Hudson, generally regarded as the best position player on the team, is not expected to renew with Phoenix, the nation’s whitest (71%) major city.

A deal packaging talented but lackadaisical Justin Upton and articulate Chris Young, in exchange for gritty Enos Slaughter and clubhouse leader Cap Anson, could not be confirmed.

Arizona Gets An “F”

Economicmap Arizona received an ""F" for economic prosperity from the Corporation for Enterprise Development, joining Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Nevada at the bottom of the national class. We mention this with regard to Diamondback ticket prices and how the club has marketed itself in the Valley recently.

Team strategy in this rather dreary economic market, as repeatedly voiced by President Derrick Hall, has been to claim baseball’s "lowest ticket prices" without actually delivering on that promise.

According to the 2006 TMR, Diamondback prices rank 18th, slightly lower than MLB average. What’s more, the TMR reflects season ticket prices and doesnt account for a) single game price differentials or b) "premium" game price differentials – both of which the Diamondbacks exploit to unusual advantage by MLB standards.  For example, almost a fourth of the Diamondbacks home schedule (20 games) are designated "premium" games.

Contrast that with the number of "premium" games hiked elsewhere within the division:

Colorado 14

San Francisco 13

San Diego 8

Los Angeles 0

That’s certainly not to say tickets in the lucrative LA market are cheaper overall, but merely to point out costs hidden from the TMR rankings, above. An even greater hidden cost is single game differentials (the premium over season ticket price that single game buyers pay) . It’s harder to get a quantitative handle on that because each section in each stadium is different, but a quick eyeball of the Chase seating chart reflects some enormous differentials.

In the middle deck, single game purchasers pay between 25% to 78% more than season ticket holders. My old seats in Section 118, within one of the largest seating area pricepoints, tack on a 61% differential. It bears mentioning that the largest seating area in the entire ballpark (the huge red upper deck area on the map) also sports the largest price differential – a ******** 87% – considerably more in real terms after various single game online fees. Lower differentials can be found in the bleachers (25%) and the $5 area (0%), but a look around MLB’s various club ticket portals show Chase differentials to be among the highest in baseball.

All this to say, that in real pocketbook terms, Diamondback baseball tickets are somewhere around the MLB average, perhaps even a little higher. In one of only five states with an "F" prosperity rating. Some might say that metro statistics would be more relevant than state stats here and they’d be right – but keep in mind that most of Arizona’s population resides in Maricopa County and Greater Phoenix Metro – the primary catchment area for Diamondback ticket buyers – unlike Texas or California, whose massive, dispersed populations influence their state economic ratings more than one metro area.  Besides, Phoenix has the lowest personal income of any MLB city, slightly below Tampa, and far behind many MLB cities. Louisiana, Arkansas and Nevada pretty much speak for themselves.

The Diamondbacks can charge whatever they want for tickets. But their endless list of excuses for their astonishingly low attendance (given a surging first place team), is a steady source of amusement. At least here. The fans dont understand baseball. The fan base is transient. The fans dont understand the team is good and in first place. School is in session. We’re doing everything we can to get fans to the ballpark. Blah, blah, blah.

Economic prosperity isnt the only thing in Arizona that deserves an "F".   

Jersey Boy

Two indignities were borne today, at my first Arizona Fall League Elderlyirvindietle60kbgame. After parking the car, gratis, in the near empty lot, good cheer runneth over as my son and I neared the lone ticket window, with no line in sight. My mood soured, however, when the elderly box officer looked up from his coil of tickets and matter of factly inquired if I was a "senior". Ouch. I had always assumed that first dagger would be twisted by some gum popping teen, not a septuagenarian peering through a smoky window in obvious need of a cleaning. Look again, oldtimer – you and me are on opposite sides of Julio Franco!

And ten minutes prior to first pitch, just as the boy finished his $4.50 dog (the AFL really does have an MLB feel), a solicitous ballpark rep asked us if son would like to be batboy for the day – which he very much did. Was the AFL Batboy Assn. embroiled in an ugly work stoppage? More likely, the boy was the only age appropriate candidate in the entire park, between the preferred ages of ten and however young I thought I looked before purchasing a ticket.

In any case, his adult mentor suited him up in a Phoenix Desert Dogs jersey and instructed him on his duties, which as it turned out, were to be the Desert Dogs’ batboy – and batboy, ballboy and clubhouse concierge (French for "slave") for both teams.

For three and a half hours, the last minute rookie in shorts and sneakers retrieved not only bats, but every foul ball hit back to the screen, assembled and disassembled the on deck circle of weighted donuts and pine tar rags every half inning on each side of the field, and kept a fresh supply of nearly a hundred balls coming in batches of three or four to the home plate umpire – all within the flow of a major league paced game. He poured and ran drinks to the blue crew upon request and even passed a couple notes between dugouts. For close to four hours, the conscientious kid, doing the job of two or three boys, barely had time or inclination to sit down and drink or pee.  It was 90′ in the sun; a 10 inning, 10 – 7 contest that would’ve dragged on half an hour longer had the lone lad not done his job so earnestly and well. My son is twelve years old.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a privilege, or at least an experience, Ted_williams_boy to be a batboy in a dugout full of imminent major leaguers. Yes.  In an exclusive postgame interview with this reporter, the preteen observed, for example, that players say the ‘f’ word "all the time", but when asked if any of the fifty or so coaches and players he served in both dugouts took a moment from their day to strike up a brief conversation or simply tell him he was ‘doing good’ on his first day, he replied, "No. Not really."

Despite his youth, he’s already familiar with little ups and downs in the working world.  When a neighbor recently underpaid him for some yardwork, he refused parental intervention, chalking it up to an old lady’s honest mistake. Last week, a beligerent homeless person pestered him while voluntarily serving in a soup kitchen with some classmates. It shook him up a bit, but he’s moved on.

In the sixth inning, a lady fan remarked what a yeoman job he was doing, better than other AFL games she had seen, and that maybe he’d get "some autographs" out of it. I smiled weakly and replied, "We’ll see." The boy never asked for an autograph or souvenir, because he understands he’s there to do a job – not to be a self-serving nuisance.

When the game finally ended, on a boisterous walkoff slam by the Rays’ Elijah Dukes, the exhausted boy quietly gathered the jubilantly tossed helmets, the donuts, resin and pine tar rags for the last time and disappeared into the clubhouse to deposit them into equipment bags. His mentor thanked him and the boy reflexively thanked him back, as quickly naked athletes whooped it up after their long days. He unbuttoned and removed the sweat soaked Desert Dogs jersey, for another batboy on another day. As he climbed the dugout steps, empty handed, to meet up with his dad, the overseer called to take a cracked bat as a souvenir. The boy’s "Thanks!" betrayed the fact he was not smiling, as he held a damaged Kody Kirkland model for the car ride home.

I put my arm around the taciturn batboy, as we walked up the stadium steps. His tee shirt was drenched like the back of a Phoenix day laborer. He smelled like a man.  I told him how proud I was of him, for working hard and keeping his end of the bargain.

"I’m never doing that again…at least not without money", he said in a determined but not quite angry tone.

Good for you, I thought to myself. He carried away something better than a Desert Dogs jersey, more valuable – even – than a couple deserved pats on the back: his self respect. My offer of a fast food pitstop on the way home was uncharacteristically declined.

Boy_shower "I just want to take a shower."

He headed straight for the bathroom, turned on the showerhead, and for the second time that afternoon, gave an adult the shirt off his back. He washed away the salt and innocence, retrieved a clean shirt, and managed a smile, well before his dad, just in time for supper.

Dumb And Dumber

PHOENIX — Local anecdotal evidence, like Diamondhacks and the Bidwills, has been piling up for years, but Morgan Quitno, a Kansas based research firm, scientifically confirmed today that Arizona is the dumbest state in the union.

Tom Horne, Maricopa County school superintendent and Harvard man, appeared eager to confirm the report’s findings at his press conference:

"Morgan Quitno is the stupidest company in the nation."

Like Horne, we’re hardly qualified to add anything intelligent here, so as Arizonans, we’ll give it a shot. We have no quibble with Vermont being ranked way ahead at #1. They have Ben & Jerry’s – we have Ken & Jerry. They have green mountains, Arizona has Dennis Green – who ran Edgerrin James up the middle thirty six times for 55 yards against the Bears. Point for the Granite State.

What chaps our hide is how in the world stupid, stupid Nevada, at #49, can possibly rank above Dumbdumberbps the Grand Canyon state? Their leader is Wayne Newton, who cant seem to manage a simple thank you in English, whereas Sandra Day O’Connor speaks several languages, often in the same dissenting opinion. Ask yourself this. If you had been done a terrible injustice, which required a swift whacking resolution, whom would you call? The Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court – or this German lounge lizard?  Moreover, the last time we visited Vegas, so called "businesses" were practically giving away shrimp cocktails for $1.99. These "geniuses" even forgot to charge us for drinks. We dont mind saying this oversight happened several times. Yet we’re the dumb ones. Yeah, righhhht!  Whatever you say, Kansas.

Dont Worry, Be Happy

Smileflower In news sure to inspire many "a good feeling", the soaring Arizona Diamondbacks extended their amazing unbeaten streak this afternoon to a season high eight days! While cynics inevitably caution that five of the eight were so called "off" days, Diamondhacks sees absolutely nothing, other than an opponent, standing in our boys’ sunshiney future!

Why, just since, and no doubt because, our prescient skipper spoke of his club’s "progressive climb", the happy go lucky Dbacks have not stranded a single runner while continuing their unbeaten ways an additonal four days, proving beyond any reason we care to muster what a little positive thinking can do. Phoenixpsycho

Like anyplace else, psycho Phoenix may have two or three outstanding issues, and it’s 116 today in the shade, hot enough to kill our town’s most vulnerable, but why let that get you down when the local team is this crazy hot!!!

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