Four months to the day after Diamondhacks suggested hitting coach Kevin Seitzer was a charlatan, a midsummer groundswell of disenchanted fans is now calling for his ouster. Since spring, the affable self promoter has shadowed our long list of wonderous wannabes, including Boras Goodenough, The African Assassin, Q*eer Eye, Mitzi, Switchblade and Scott Hairston, last year’s PCL MVP – but one full semester into this master class – only Mr Darcy from our gang has hit over MLB replacement level – something Conor accomplished well before Seitzer’s trumpeted arrival.

Two veterans have actually exceeded their 2006 career best offensive performances, much to the surprise of most pundits, including myself. Does Seitzer deserve any credit for the progression of Orlando Hudson and Eric Byrnes? Probably. Hudson credits Seitzer for teaching O the lower body "Power L".   

Perhaps the nail in Kevin’s coffin though, is the way unheralded minor leaguers, outside of his daily influence, get called up to quadruple AAAA and spray bullets to all fields seemingly at will, further suggesting that his prized pupils arent facing unhittable, or even unusually daunting, pitching. Nobodies like Jason Smith and Jeff Salazar. Stuck inside of Mobile, Mark Reynolds immediately gave NL pitchers the Memphis blues again (and again), singlehandedly carrying his "betters" for two solid weeks. Now, light hitting utility midget Augie Ojeda is, by default, this lineup’s biggest threat. It doesnt take much really – a couple liners, walks and a drag bunt will do.

Firing Seitzer does a couple things. First, it repudiates the initial hire by Josh Byrnes, a hire he went out of his way – beyond the revolving door of existing MLB hitting coaches – to make. Second, it tends to confirm the comfortable and perhaps self serving assumption that the cadre of young hitters are, indeed, as good as fans were led to believe by this front office – the kids were merely held back by Seitzer. 

If you stick with Seitzer however, what the FO’s suggesting is that the kids’ performance through June isnt too big a surprise or disappointment to them. That it’s part of their expected learning curve – more or less – and that Seitzer is doing an adequate job.

At this point, either position seems plausible. Despite my distaste for Seitzer’s self promotion, I’m not qualified to gauge his overall impact on the offense one way or another. But if he stays, here’s what’s tough to reconcile. The D*backs brass made it clear throughout preseason that they were built to seriously contend now. Not play .500 half the year and then fade away. Not favorites, either, but genuine contenders who had socked some cash away to enable a late season upgrade that might vault them into the playoffs. The pitching, especially the pen, has exceeded that expectation. The offense has not, in fact it’s dramatically underperformed even the most timid preseason projections. Only the Washington Nationals score less often than the bunch Josh Byrnes likened to the 1966 Baltimore Orioles and the 1994 Indians just this past March.

Did the front office deliberately deceive it’s fans about this year’s expectations? Or are they as surprised as we are at the lack of hitting? If they are surprised, is it because they misevaluated their players’ abilities and/or readiness to perform in the majors?  Or is someone else to blame. Someone not named Josh Byrnes.

Someone like Kevin Seitzer.

A team taking a series at Coors Field, scoring just three runs per game, is as rare as a blue moon, but thanks to Randy Johnson, Livan Hernandez and the less than celestial Rockies, the Diamondbacks accomplished the near impossible – and almost watchable.

Just beyond the quarter phase of the season, in what sometimes appears to be an out of body experience, our New Age Sedona offense is on pace to score less than the inaugural 1998 Arizona team (665 runs). Actually, the blood red boy wonders are sufficiently anemic to dribble out fewer runs than the bruised, purple 2004 squad (615 runs) that lost 111 games. But deferred hits and runs aside, why bring up such unpleasantries (609 runs, annualized) when the offense is this financially sound.

After all, no May team is destined to fulfill such a dubious September projection, especially not with shock troops like Mark Reynolds and Jason Smith parachuting daily into harm’s way. Shortstop Smith, who we recently learned shares the same surname as Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith, had a hit in today’s 3-1 victory and rappin’ Reynolds led the Wednesday attack with a single and two smashes over Willy Taveras in center, including a two run double.

Can Kevin Seitzer be far off, lurking in the shadows for the perfect time block to approach the newcomers with his Talmudic deconstructions of their "approaches"?  Early on the flight to Pittsburgh, perhaps, immediately after the captain turns off the "Fasten Seatbelts" sign. Seriously, one has to laugh at how these sleep deprived nobodies of questionable pedigree just walk in and rap the ball all over the yard in marked contrast to the stable of highly prized, Seitzerized stars hitting .211 after all their quality time with Mr. KC Masterpiece .

Seitzer, who claims he can discern when a hitter’s stomach muscles arent properly tensed, solely by the sound of the bat on the ball – absent any visual information whatsoever – also likes to shout "Keyhole!" to his proteges, a reminder to narrow their vision to a specific part of the plate in anticipation of a pitch.

We have an alternate suggestion in anticipation of a "pitch". Assign a batboy to shadow Seitzer night and day, and whenever Kevin gets within earshot of any Diamondback hitter – have the batboy shout:

Piehole!

(images courtesy of www.sxc.hu , skynet.ie and choiceshirts.com)

When the Dbacks hired ex-Royal Kevin Seitzer back in October, we took note that he was a private hitting instructor and not then employed in an MLB dugout. With a pool of forty or fifty rotating MLB batting coaches from which to choose, it’s not every day a big league club hires a hacker who "worked mostly with kids".

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Josh Byrnes eschewed the usual suspects and went somewhat out of his way to hire Seitzer. The question is why.

Is it because Seitzer’s a genuinely terrific hitting coach or because he markets himself well? Perhaps both?

Today’s piece in the Republic fills us in, with a vignette about Seitzer flabbergasting youthful Dave Krynzel, by allegedly identifying ‘relaxed stomach muscles’ as the source of Krynzel’s slightly wanting BP stroke. Oh, and Seitzer determined this solely by the off pitch sound of ball on bat, without actually watching Krynzel.

What’s funny is that one has to be less gullible than a couple players to buy into this nonsense – but that’s not nearly as revealing as is Seitzer’s reaction to the story, when it’s relayed back to him by the reporter:

Seitzer laughed when reminded of the story.

"That kind of freaked him [Krynzel] out a little bit," he said.

Notice how Seitzer didnt downplay the incident by explaining that he often preaches about maintaining a tight core, or that he just got lucky by "blindly" chastising Krynzel at the right time. No. Seitzer, in a disarmingly smooth way, seems to be confirming this rather amazing ability of his. 

This doesnt illuminate whether Seitzer is a good hitting coach or not, but it suggests that he markets himself exceedingly well. At least a few players seem convinced.

Later in the article, he lays an indirect quote on Piecoro from Seitzer’s prized protege, Raul Ibanez – and it’s a doozy:

"I don’t know what was said," Seitzer said, "but I know ‘Bo-Mel’ told me: ‘I know you have strong feelings toward Raul, but it doesn’t come close to how he feels about you.’ That was pretty cool."

Apart from Melvin’s well documented preoccupation with relationships, again note Seitzer’s disarming qualifiers wrapped around the main thrust: Ibanez thinks I’m God’s gift.

Picture a 45 year old man slinging this to a beat writer – about himself! We’ve all run across people like this, whether we work in an office, church or a garage. For the club’s sake, let’s hope this diamond is half as good a hitting coach as he is a self promoter.

Kirk Gibson was named Arizona’s bench coach today, ostensibly replacing Jay Bell, but really to jump start a moribund clubhouse deflated by Bob Melvin’s unaccountable governance.

The wooing of Gibson, a man of mythic, almost cartoonish intensity, trumpets significant front office impatience with the team’s ongoing ennui, a hallmark of Melvin clubs.  If intensity wasnt an issue, the perfunctory appointment of a local field rat like Matt Williams would’ve enabled Josh Byrnes more time to focus on the off season’s most pressing concerns. Instead, Byrnes went out of his way to pursue a man with no franchise ties who will inevitably alter the dugout atmosphere.

While such personality insertion is long overdue, we wonder exactly when the Dbacks came to our longstanding conclusion. Was this shortcoming a recent revelation, exacerbated by the late season exodus of veterans Counsell, Batista and Gonzo? Or was the gaping gash in organizational morale evident earlier, in July for example, when Bob Melvin’s contract was curiously extended ?

Mark Grace and Thom Brennaman thought so, lamenting players’ systemic lack of urgency in 2005, and airing similar criticisms this year against a retooled roster, urging someone, anyone, to "grab the bull by the horns".  The announcers would  exempt only Hudson and E Byrnes by name, silently implicating the remaining twenty three players, while amusingly failing to publicly steer any blame whatsoever toward Melvin, the obvious target considering the encompassing scope of the problem.   

No matter. The brass has made yet another move to kind of address the issue, inking hyperkinetic Kirk to grab the bull – freeing Bob, presumably, to continue to shoot it.   

In light of Bob Melvin’s tenuous hold on the manager’s job, Diamondhacks has proactively compiled this short list of suitably energetic, motivational replacements.

Of some concern, ESPN briefly flashed a puzzling postgame quote from Mikulik likening the umps to, of all things,  "an abortion".  Maybe he’s the one who needs glasses?

Oh well.

Ken Kendrick might shy away from a controversial candidate like Joe, but we’re confident it’s nothing a pinch of sensitivity training and a dash of anger management wont clear up in the next quarter century or so. Mikulik’s the man’s man we’ve been looking for since Bob Brenly left town, and we strongly urge his immediate hire.

    Moving Luis Gonzalez up to second in the batting order primarily works not because Gonzo is slumping but because it finally boots Royce Clayton’s limp swizzle stick to the back of the order.

Imagine you’re an opposing right-hander @ BOB in the bottom of the first. Would you rather face Counsell, Clayton & Gonzo   OR  Counsell, Gonzo and Clark?

Or Counsell, Gonzo and Glaus? Counsell,Gonzo and Green? Counsell, Gonzo and Tracy? Yeh, no kidding.

Remarkably, for most of this season, only one of the team’s five most productive hitters (Clark,Glaus,Green,Gonzo & Tracy – based on OPc), regularly batted in the top third of the order. Why?

Certainly Bob Melvin recognized his hapless two hole by June, when the division was up for grabs, as evidenced by his timid "on again-off again" insertions of Tracy and Cintron. Yet he didnt pull the Gonzo card until the season’s waning days, after any playoff chances had evaporated.

This inexusable delay has to do with being a player’s manager rather than actually winning games. It has to do with blather about balancing the order rather than actually scoring more runs. It has to do with assigning roles based on players’ feelings rather than on performance.

"Gonzo’s an institution and you dont just fiddle with an institution!"

"Gee, Royce sure runs fast each time they throw him out at first..and he just luuuuvs to bunt."

Thus a glaringly obvious move with tangible benefits was sacrificed on the altar of "team chemistry".  Blech! 

The main difference between Bobby Cox and Bob Melvin isnt knowledge of, or instincts for, the game. It’s the guts to act on those instincts. Oh yeh, and the part about winning.