Results tagged ‘ Giggles ’
Dbacks Acquire White
At first blush, the winter glare from high profile Diamondbacks’ transactions 
may have blinded fans to the club’s boldest move of all – the acquisition of White. In addition to reliable Dan Haren, Arizona inked steady Caucasians Chris Burke and Chad Qualls, filling spots vacated by portly, undisciplined Livan Hernandez, wild-eyed Latino man-child Jose Valverde, and disgruntled American black man, Tony Clark.
In December, troublesome Alberto Callaspo was swapped for portly, disciplined Billy Buckner, and Hispanic headcase Carlos Quentin was dumped for athletic, enigmatic Vernon C. Carter, who was appropriately shipped to, where else, Oakland – in consideration for creme de la creme, Dan Haren.
All this, a year after Arizona jettisoned ‘agitator’ Miguel Batista (16-11 193IP $6M) and uncoachable Claudio Vargas (11-6 134 IP $2.5M), in favor of crafty Doug Davis (13-12 192IP $5.5M) and determined, extremely hard working Randy Johnson (4-3 57IP $9.1M).
Fair or not, seventeen pallid players now inhabit Arizona’s 25 man roster, making it nearly as free from pigment as it is from salary. There are zero Hispanics in the starting lineup, nor a single Asian on the 40-man extended. The rotation – Webb, Haren, Johnson, Davis and 
Owings – is as white as JT Snow, as is the entire starting infield, save the astonishingly black Orlando Hudson. Hudson, generally regarded as the best position player on the team, is not expected to renew with Phoenix, the nation’s whitest (71%) major city.
A deal packaging talented but lackadaisical Justin Upton and articulate Chris Young, in exchange for gritty Enos Slaughter and clubhouse leader Cap Anson, could not be confirmed.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dbacks Want Randy Back
10. Unveiling ‘RANDY Farewell Tour’ in April to boost year round attendance. 
9. Solidifies rotation with high IP and low WHIP…whatever that means.
8. Postgame infusion of charming Noel Coward-like banter.
7. Turns out Brandon Webb was only a Medium Unit
6. "We’re in this for the short haul" – Josh Byrnes
5. Two words: Lady fans
4. Randy looks good in purple
4. Randy looks RAN -TASTIC in red, sand and black!
3. Per Ken Kendrick, 9 foot tall clubhouse showerhead installed by Colangelo now a good investment
2. Stole Steinbrenner’s toupee during exit interview.
…and the #1 reason the Diamondbacks opted to sign Randy Johnson, is….
because WALTER Johnson wasn’t available!!!
Dumb And Dumber
PHOENIX — Local anecdotal evidence, like Diamondhacks and the Bidwills, has been piling up for years, but Morgan Quitno, a Kansas based research firm, scientifically confirmed today that Arizona is the dumbest state in the union.
Tom Horne, Maricopa County school superintendent and Harvard man, appeared eager to confirm the report’s findings at his press conference:
"Morgan Quitno is the stupidest company in the nation."
Like Horne, we’re hardly qualified to add anything intelligent here, so as Arizonans, we’ll give it a shot. We have no quibble with Vermont being ranked way ahead at #1. They have Ben & Jerry’s – we have Ken & Jerry. They have green mountains, Arizona has Dennis Green – who ran Edgerrin James up the middle thirty six times for 55 yards against the Bears. Point for the Granite State.
What chaps our hide is how in the world stupid, stupid Nevada, at #49, can possibly rank above 
the Grand Canyon state? Their leader is Wayne Newton, who cant seem to manage a simple thank you in English, whereas Sandra Day O’Connor speaks several languages, often in the same dissenting opinion. Ask yourself this. If you had been done a terrible injustice, which required a swift whacking resolution, whom would you call? The Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court – or this German lounge lizard? Moreover, the last time we visited Vegas, so called "businesses" were practically giving away shrimp cocktails for $1.99. These "geniuses" even forgot to charge us for drinks. We dont mind saying this oversight happened several times. Yet we’re the dumb ones. Yeah, righhhht! Whatever you say, Kansas.
Top 10 Figures We Wont Miss in the Playoffs
10. Theo Epstein – in case you missed the 47 previous features, he’s "young, 
smart and good looking".
9. Andy Pettitte – info still trickling in about that adam’s apple the size of an apple…on steroids.
8. Braves TV Announcers - curiously similar voices sound like there’s one composite curmudgeon in their booth: Skip Van Sutton.
7. AJ Pierzynski - A genius, but we’re tired of having to spell this pri*ks name in our postseason recaps.
6. Craig Biggio – "graze my blouse or elbow pad, if you’re man enough to come inside"
5. Byung-Hyun Kim – helps my digestion anytime 
B.K.’s not in the World Series
4. Ben Affleck – an obligatory "The Stars Are Out" closeup is fine, but please, no more interviews.
3. Roger Clemens – Is the Rocket hormonally imbalanced? One hoof stomp means "Yes", two is "No".
2. Curt Schilling – publicity hound, proselytizer; this generation’s Reggie Jackson
1. Barry Bonds – 367 nationally televised at bats are sufficient.
Dropping The Ball
As everyday observers of the Diamondbacks, we pride ourselves on staying on 
top of team developments, so it is with considerable chagrin that we learned over supper tonight that Shawn Green is no longer with the club.
It turns out Shawn was traded a month ago to the New York Mets in exchange for a small patch of brown liquid, in what’s being heralded by both teams as a "win-win".
We had assumed Shawn was still "around", until our dinner companion patiently documented Green’s monthlong absence from the Arizona lineup with thirty compelling boxscores to the contrary.
For weeks, Diamondhacks figured an array of fine running outfield catches was evidence that the lumbering veteran finally "got it", however sober reinspection reveals that the only rightfielder who’s got balls is Carlos Quentin.
We apologize to our reader(s) for taking so long to recognize this important story and resolve not to drop any more balls like this in our back yard.
“Sedona Red” Poll Results
What really inspired Arizona’s new red uniforms?
Results from our latest poll:
| Answer | Votes | % | Chart |
| bricks | 0 | 0.0% |  |
| Sedona’s red rocks | 2 | 9.1% | |
| The lightbulb in Mark Grace’s hotel room. | 2 | 9.1% | |
| entrenched, godless communism | 2 | 9.1% | |
| Dbacks "in the red" | 2 | 9.1% | |
| Mrs Kendrick’s cherry pie | 3 | 13.6% | |
| Ladies & Gentlemen, The Houston Astros! | 4 | 18.2% | |
| Warren Jeff’s red Escalade | 2 | 9.1% | |
| Dbacks fading into the sunset | 5 | 22.7% | |
| Total | 22 |
Thanks for voting, and remember that purple presents myriad challenges that could devastate this franchise.
New poll at right =>
Stitch n Pitch
What better way to spend this Saturday Night than at Chase Field’s annual Stitch
And Pitch event held during the Diamondbacks/ Cardinals game? Knitters, crocheters and inveterate cross-stitchers may purchase normally empty $20 upper deck reserved seats for the bargain price of $15, and receive a nifty pink tote bag full of needlepoint goodies.
Needle artisans of all ages and skill levels are welcome, provided they adhere to the following TNNA guidelines:
- All participants must sit in the sections(318-322) designated for the event.
- Knitters may not cheer during the game, lest they poke someone’s eye out.
The Diamondbacks ongoing shadow promotion, "Pitch And Bi+ch", will run concurrently and is expected to draw the usual fourteen thousand season ticket holders.
You’re Not With Me, Leather
If you’re an 18 year old dude pushing the turnstile with your oversized Rawlings, turn around, go home and please find some sort of job.
If you’re an oblivious 27 year old woman thinking you look cute wearing a baseball glove to the park, it’s time you discarded the leather and, perhaps, had a baby, who you can drag to the game, violating yet another fundamental tenet of fan decorum.
Once the exclusive hand accessory for hopeful preteens yearning for a foul pop, Mizunos and Wilsons are now commonly found on the greedy paws of misguided adults in all thirty ballparks.
*
MLBlog This Base For Rent pleads:
Note for the adults: Please stop bringing gloves to the games! I know people have written about this topic through the years. Leave the gloves to the kids! It doesn’t look right.
Diamondhacks concurs.
Reader and Astro fan, Thomas, counters TBFR:
What’s your big deal with people bringing gloves? It’s a baseball game, you go there to have fun. If you bringing a glove to the game will make the game fun for you… then what’s the problem with that?
The problem is that grown men, who already enjoy a biological advantage in the public’s quest for batted balls, increasingly employ gloves to further that advantage against paying customers, in particular, children. That these leathered gorillas are snatching foul balls, and memories, from smaller, deserving fingers is an affront to civility and long-established Western norms.
Moreover, it’s not what a man’s glove does so much as what it says about him. It says that his desires are more important than those of children. It speaks to an ill considered, childish obsession and presages the brutish lengths he’s willing to go to grab the object of his lust.
Therefore, in the best interests of baseball, not to mention civilization, Diamondhacks offers these guidelines as to who can wear leather to the game, without being mercilessly disparaged.
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Boys under twelve
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Girls under sixteen
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Fans over 70
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The physically and mentally challenged.
The rest of us will just have to bare it.
SPHEROID: Diamondhacks
Apparently there’s quite a backlog of unpublished SPHEROIDs teetering on some desk in Manhattan, cuz we sent our completed questionnaire way back on April 11th, with nary a response. Given that there have been "nearly one thousand" MLBlogs created since the 2005 rollout, we waited patiently for three months, for some bio feedback. For our turn.
By now, more than one reader has asked Diamondhacks why we haven’t submitted a SPHEROID, so rather than keep explaining that we did but we dont know what happened to it, we now, not so prominently, feature our very own SPHEROID, here.
Ripken Snubbed by AL Fans
Breaking from their tradition of selecting All Stars worthy of starting several years earlier, American League fans surprisingly snubbed shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. in the 2006 balloting.
Ripken, who retired in 2001, failed to garner a single vote, despite his enormous popularity that transcends baseball and, indeed, gives life meaning for mankind. AL fans did, however, honor several of Ripken’s contemporaries, voting in Ivan Rodriguez, Vlad Guerrero and Ichiro to start in the midsummer classic over younger players having better years who, understandably, aren’t quite ready to shine in the fierce, exhibition setting of an All Star Game.
Diamondhacks
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